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The Disneyland Survival Guide

Complete Protection from the Walking Dead.

First things first I’m a bit of a nerd……

I’ve watched every zombie film and series, read more pulp apocalyptic fiction than I should have and spent many an hour surviving in video games. I never thought any of it would be of any practical use…….until I visited DisneyLand Paris.

Read on for crucial information on how to survive.

Disclaimer : This guide assumes you have the relevant skills to survive children in your home environment, travelling with children, airports and hotels. This guide assumes 2 children of ages 4 and 6 accompanied by 2 adults.

Basic Skills.

  1. Move quickly and be focused. The slow and hesitant get left behind.
  2. Be Ruthless.Politeness, empathy and consideration will be your downfall. Only the strong and rude survive.
  3. Terrain and Recon. Scope out areas and shows beforehand.Use it to your advantage. Lampposts and fences make a fantastic natural barrier against the hordes during parades.
  4. Have a plan and mark your exits. Know where you need to be now. Know where you need to be next. Know how to get out.
  5. Know your toilets. Know how to locate your nearest defecation zone. See practical example.
  6. Photos. Evidence of locations visited is vital. Accept that your kids and everyone else doesn’t care about your memories and selfies.

Practical Skills and Equipment.

  1. A double side by side stroller is invaluable for long days on the road. It also serves as a barrier, battering ram, equipment store and can open special quick access gates.
  2. Boots and Clothing. No one in a post apocalyptic scenario survives in trainers. Waterproof easily removed layers for hot and cold zones.
  3. A backpack per adult. Enough snacks and water to feed and hydrate 2 children for at least 1 hour of waiting. A change of clothes. If they turn you are lost.
  4. Queues. Be prepared. Don’t let anyone pass. Stand your ground. Step over the fallen.
  5. Cash. This will be depleted quickly. Merchandise is a constant temptation and will lead to hours of hesitation.

A practical example of the essential skills and what can go wrong.

We’d done our homework. We’d scoped out the patterns. We’d planned our visit to perfection. Supplies were sufficient. We were at the front of the queue. We’d been waiting for an hour. Micky and Minnie were about to arrive.

And then Ted crapped in his pants.

Locate toilets. Check. Locate change of clothes and wipes. Check. Split up. Back to see Micky and Minnie. Check.


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